Last week I celebrated my 20th birthday, felt a little odd being away from home away from my high school friends. Not celebrating with a bonfire and late night tiki torch walks along the beach. But I still had a good birthday. A sweet boy in Shanghai sent me 9 roses, my roomates got me a cake, my foreign friends took me out for pizza and my silly extravagent friend spent far to much mony buying me a guzheng that I now have to figure out how to get back to America or whether I should leave it here. But it was very sweet of him. I love it here, I really do, I'd love to stay and I'd love to learn Chinese. But I think I feel a little like Alice, after she's killed the Jaberwocky and the Hatter says you know you could stay and she says what crazy mad wonderful idea. But I can't I have to go back, there are things I have to do, questions I have to answer. I feel a little like that. I've said before that this all seems like a dream, sometimes bad and sometimes good but always always always a dream .... and at some point even good dreams have to end. Sometimes you know the end is comeing but you're not sure when or exactly what it'll look like, it be so much lighter a burden if I could just pinch myself or stab myself with a pencil to make it end when and how I want. No unwinding, no long goodbyes, no tears, no questions. Just the end, just wake up, home .... the end.