Saturday, June 23, 2012

Hope in Sight

It’s almost time, I can see the end of the sand a streak of green on the horizon. I’ll be coming out of this dessert soon, leaning on my beloved. 29 days left till summer vacation and then it won’t be long before I’m headed back state side. Parts of me are loathed to leave and others can't wait. But mostly I feel torn between the two. Thinking to much, a bad habit I've had since for as long as I can remember.  Feel as though the pressure of it all has turned my brain to mush, like apples in a pressure cooker.  Been sick lately can't seem to get rid of the last bit, wish it would just come or go. 
Emotions flying fortunatly I know not to pay to much attention to my feelings they are very untrustworthy. Feelings are still very real things and I've felt rather abandoned and unloved lately. But there's hope in sight and I'm holding onto the threads, praying they don't break.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Growing Up & Going Back

Last week I celebrated my 20th birthday, felt a little odd being away from home away from my high school friends. Not celebrating with a bonfire and late night tiki torch walks along the beach. But I still had a good birthday. A sweet boy in Shanghai sent me 9 roses, my roomates got me a cake, my foreign friends took me out for pizza and my silly extravagent friend spent far to much mony buying me a guzheng that I now have to figure out how to get back to America or whether I should leave it here. But it was very sweet of him. I love it here, I really do, I'd love to stay and I'd love to learn Chinese. But I think I feel a little like Alice, after she's killed the Jaberwocky and the Hatter says you know you could stay and she says what crazy mad wonderful idea. But I can't I have to go back, there are things I have to do, questions I have to answer. I feel a little like that.  I've said before that this all seems like a dream, sometimes bad and sometimes good but always always always a dream .... and at some point even good dreams have to end. Sometimes you know the end is comeing but you're not sure when or exactly what it'll look like, it be so much lighter a burden if I could just pinch myself or stab myself with a pencil to make it end when and how I want. No unwinding, no long goodbyes, no tears, no questions. Just the end, just wake up, home .... the end.